Spiral

I have been feeling a bit down the past few weeks. I sort of knew it but didn’t think too much about it. I just thought it was a bit of sadness with the change of seasons finally happening in Canada, nothing major. But, this weekend it hit me. Depression was trying to take ahold of me for the first time in years.

There were a few things going on in my life that were catalysts for depression (which I refer to as a douche canoe). I have been doing a strict elimination diet since January. It has been a very very hard road. Harder than anything else that I have ever done in my life. I still can’t eat a lot of variety and basically can’t eat out at restaurants at all without unfortunate consequences.

The depression also capitalized on this weekend being an anniversary of sorts. My best friend died 25 years ago this past Saturday. His death was deemed an accident, but I knew it was suicide. I spent a lot of years holding on to that knowledge and it kept me going through some bad times. I knew what his death did to those around him and to his family, so to me suicide was never an option. I’m not sure that I would be here if that wasn’t the case. So, I am forever grateful to him for that.

I have had years were the date has hit me very hard and years were I stop to reflect on him and it has minimal impact. This year was a rough one and I think a lot of it was the milestone year. I’m not sure why certain years seem to matter like 25, 30, 40, or 50. It is just another year after all. But, it does seem to matter, at least to me. It has been twenty-five years since I hugged my best friend, and it feels like both a lifetime and like it was just yesterday. He gave really really good hugs.

Previously when I had a bout of depression I would hide away from the world. I would disconnect from everyone, and do my best to hide it from those that I absolutely had to interact with. I have gotten good at hiding it over the years when it’s a fairly minor bout. [Disclaimer: this is NOT a healthy way to deal with depression minor or not. I have taken anti-depressants and have done therapy in the past. I knew that this bout was not at a level where I needed professional help. If you are at all unsure of your mental health, get help, get help now].

This time when I realized that the depression was trying to drown me, I did something radically different. I reached out to friends for help. This is something that was only possible because of the genuine friendships that I have made on twitter. And, this is only because of a fabulous television show called Wynonna Earp.

Let me back up a bit and explain. I started interacting with a few people on twitter because of a real life friend. I teased her about something on twitter and include a couple people because I knew they would find it funny. I knew this because I had been trolling said friend’s twitter feed and she had also been talking about these people on twitter in real life. It was only going to be a one time tweet, and it was just a joke teasing my friend. So, I just used the ‘anonymous’ twitter account that I setup for this ‘anonymous blog’ because I was too lazy to try to log into my ‘real’ twitter account, that I never used. BUT, a crazy thing happened. These amazing people were welcoming. And, well, I was stunned that they wanted to talk to me at all. And, I was even more stunned that I was able to just be my wacky self with them and they didn’t make me feel bad or put me down for it. I would never have talked to any of these people on my own. I would be way too chicken shit / introverted / embarrassed / anxious / etc (and I would be totally missing out FYI!).

So, in the end the depression spiral that I was heading down into this past weekend was stopped in it’s tracks because of the fabulous friends that I have on twitter. And, I have these fabulous friends because of a little Canadian television show called Wynonna Earp.

Thank you to My Twitter Buddies, for being there for jokes and for being there when I needed some words of encouragement to kick the douche canoe (depression) to the curb and stop the spiral. You will never ever know how much you all mean to me.

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January / February

I have found January and February the hardest months of the year for me. It’s likely because I live in Canada, and it’s so darn cold and snowy and dark and dreary. I have for years had a hard time during those months. I don’t want to leave the house, I don’t want to be social, and I don’t want to do things that I know are good for me.

This year has been the complete opposite. Jan and Feb were great. I have my health better then in the past decade with this diet. I have been exercising 3-4 times a week. And, not just walking on the treadmill, no group fitness classes that are NOT easy. I have made progress on a project that I have been putting off for years, and that feels great.

So for 2018, has been an amazing year. I have goals and projects and I have made progress. But, the bestest thing is I feel better than I have in a long long time. I have lost some weight, which I hadn’t planned but I feel better at where I’m at right now. I think I’m at my optimal weight now. I definitely don’t want to be a skinny minny, so I’m happy.

I’m not sure what will become of this blog, but if nothing else it is a great place to log my reading!

Proud

The elimination diet is still going strong. I have tested a few foods now and some have gone well and some have not.

But, I have never been more proud of myself than I am right now for doing this elimination diet. It has been super hard at some points and seemed fairly easy at others. But, I am still going strong and I haven’t cheated once.

At this point cheating isn’t really a problem, as I have already gone more than a month on this, it feels like I’m into the home stretch now that I am adding back foods. It will still be months and months before I can get through all the test foods, but there feels like a light at the end of the tunnel now.

I have done quite a few hard things in my life, this trumps them all. I am so proud of myself for sticking with this. I feel like I can do anything I put my mind to know. Nothing is impossible, because if I can give up all the foods I love I can do anything.

Elimination Diet

The diet has gone quite well. So I will be starting the re-introduction phase tomorrow. I don’t think I will be posting more about it for a bit. It is quite a bit of effort to cook every single meal every day (I know, whiner!). Focusing on the food has taken up a lot of my time. and, I want to make sure I do it right. So i might be on a bit of a hiatus again. We shall see.

I am loving the ability to think clearer than before.

Elimination Diet Day 14

Well it has been two weeks now of eating almost the same thing for three meals a day. And, I’m still going strong, mostly. I have gotten a bit short tempered, bt I think that is normally after eating the same things!

Diet is still going fairly well. I have brought back in sweet potato even though i think it bothers me a bit. I can’t only eat butternut squash.

So far so good really. I’m thinking I will start reintroducing foods on Monday, but it will depend on how the weekend goes!

Elimination Diet Day 11

Today was a day of cravings and really wanting to eat donuts!

I went to the hospital to see the GI specialist this morning, only to find out that he has cancelled the colonoscopy that was scheduled for this coming Friday. Afeter every doctor visit I get myself a donut after as a treat for going to the appointment. That was not possible today with this elimination diet. So, instead I made to large trays full of sweet potato ‘fries’ and had those for dinner. It felt good to eat all I wanted of something instead of a set portion.

Tomorrow is a new day, and now that I don’t have to prep for a colonoscopy I can continue the elimination diet. I think I might start challenging foods on Monday. Depending on how the weekend goes.

Elimination Diet Day 9

I was super tired today. I’m not sure if it was because I did so so much today, running errands and prepping food, or if I didn’t sleep well last night, or what.

But, I was tired all day. I didn’t have any brain fog, but I was lethargic a lot of the day. I did enjoy the yoga class this morning though, it was lovely. Perhaps getting up in time for the yoga class through me off? I don’t know.

Today was also a day filled with temptation. I went to Walmart and had to wait through the candy aisle. I went to two different Superstores, and had to pass the valentine’s day candy displays. And by the time I got home from all of that I really really wanted some cadbury mini-eggs. I wanted something sweet and crunchy and chocolatey. But, it was only a craving because I was super tired and lethargic and wanted a pick-me-up.

Hopefully I get a good rest tonight and tomorrow is a new day.