Spiral

I have been feeling a bit down the past few weeks. I sort of knew it but didn’t think too much about it. I just thought it was a bit of sadness with the change of seasons finally happening in Canada, nothing major. But, this weekend it hit me. Depression was trying to take ahold of me for the first time in years.

There were a few things going on in my life that were catalysts for depression (which I refer to as a douche canoe). I have been doing a strict elimination diet since January. It has been a very very hard road. Harder than anything else that I have ever done in my life. I still can’t eat a lot of variety and basically can’t eat out at restaurants at all without unfortunate consequences.

The depression also capitalized on this weekend being an anniversary of sorts. My best friend died 25 years ago this past Saturday. His death was deemed an accident, but I knew it was suicide. I spent a lot of years holding on to that knowledge and it kept me going through some bad times. I knew what his death did to those around him and to his family, so to me suicide was never an option. I’m not sure that I would be here if that wasn’t the case. So, I am forever grateful to him for that.

I have had years were the date has hit me very hard and years were I stop to reflect on him and it has minimal impact. This year was a rough one and I think a lot of it was the milestone year. I’m not sure why certain years seem to matter like 25, 30, 40, or 50. It is just another year after all. But, it does seem to matter, at least to me. It has been twenty-five years since I hugged my best friend, and it feels like both a lifetime and like it was just yesterday. He gave really really good hugs.

Previously when I had a bout of depression I would hide away from the world. I would disconnect from everyone, and do my best to hide it from those that I absolutely had to interact with. I have gotten good at hiding it over the years when it’s a fairly minor bout. [Disclaimer: this is NOT a healthy way to deal with depression minor or not. I have taken anti-depressants and have done therapy in the past. I knew that this bout was not at a level where I needed professional help. If you are at all unsure of your mental health, get help, get help now].

This time when I realized that the depression was trying to drown me, I did something radically different. I reached out to friends for help. This is something that was only possible because of the genuine friendships that I have made on twitter. And, this is only because of a fabulous television show called Wynonna Earp.

Let me back up a bit and explain. I started interacting with a few people on twitter because of a real life friend. I teased her about something on twitter and include a couple people because I knew they would find it funny. I knew this because I had been trolling said friend’s twitter feed and she had also been talking about these people on twitter in real life. It was only going to be a one time tweet, and it was just a joke teasing my friend. So, I just used the ‘anonymous’ twitter account that I setup for this ‘anonymous blog’ because I was too lazy to try to log into my ‘real’ twitter account, that I never used. BUT, a crazy thing happened. These amazing people were welcoming. And, well, I was stunned that they wanted to talk to me at all. And, I was even more stunned that I was able to just be my wacky self with them and they didn’t make me feel bad or put me down for it. I would never have talked to any of these people on my own. I would be way too chicken shit / introverted / embarrassed / anxious / etc (and I would be totally missing out FYI!).

So, in the end the depression spiral that I was heading down into this past weekend was stopped in it’s tracks because of the fabulous friends that I have on twitter. And, I have these fabulous friends because of a little Canadian television show called Wynonna Earp.

Thank you to My Twitter Buddies, for being there for jokes and for being there when I needed some words of encouragement to kick the douche canoe (depression) to the curb and stop the spiral. You will never ever know how much you all mean to me.

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