Company Anxiety

We had a large group of people, mostly family, over for dinner today. This tends to cause me a LOT of anxiety. Like a lot, a lot, especially when I cook something new.

I should know better and cook things that I know how to make, but well Thanksgiving and Turkey just go together, so Turkey it was. I had help with prepping the turkey for the oven, but it still made me very nervous. Was it thawed enough, was it too thawed? Will I make people sick? Will be undercooked? Overcooked?

So needless to say sleep was not something that happened last night, so tonight I am just wiped. And in the end it all went well!

I don’t think I am the only one who gets super anxious when they have people over, right?

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Common Decency

The internet is such a foul place at times. People say absolutely horrible things to other people. I don’t understand it. What you say online to someone else is no different than saying it to their face, you just don’t see a bodily reaction and the affect that your words have on someone else. You are ‘free’ as in you don’t have to see their hurt facial expression, but that doesn’t mean your words have not hurt someone else.

I’m not sure where we lost kindness or even common decency to our fellow human beings. Granted through history we haven’t had a ton of common decency to all people, but haven’t we moved on from that? Why are we regressing now that we are online? We are all one people and all deserve common decency.

Content

I’ve been fairly content this week. To the point where a friend who I met with earlier this week asked if I was okay as I seemed so quiet. I’m usually pretty chatty, but when I am happy and taking care of myself and everything is going smoothly I’m very mellow. As this doesn’t happen all that often it stood out 😉

But when all is well and I have spent enough time on my own away from people, I get content and contemplative. I think my happy state is being quiet near other people. Close enough that I could chat if I wanted to, but doing my own thing.

I am content, not sure how long it will last. But I am sure going to enjoy it!

Birthday

Today is my birthday. It’s not a milestone birthday, just another year past and another one ahead.

I’m not a super big fan of birthdays. I don’t like being the centre of attention or having a big party thrown for me. I’m not really a gift person, and I’m thankful that everyone in my life knows this and doesn’t buy me more stuff that I don’t need.

But, I had a fabulous day for me. I am super lucky that my employer gives everyone the day off on their birthday. So, I took myself out for breakfast to a higher-end specialty breakfast place that I like, and got to sit at the counter and watch all the cooks in action. Ran a couple errands, but not rushing to get to somewhere, so wandered the aisles as much as I liked. Had a fabulous massage for an hour chit-chatting with the masseuse in a super relaxing way. Had a free Starbucks treat because it was my birthday. And I’m planning a snackie dinner of all my favourites and a relaxing quiet evening of doing not much.

It has taken me quite a long time to realize that a great day for me is mostly on my own doing my own thing. I’m introverted but I generally like to be around people, so out at a restaurant on my own I love. I don’t have to entertain anyone that I am with, I get to people watch and overhear others conversations.

One thing I guess I celebrate as I get older and know myself and what I enjoy better, is making sure that I get to spend my birthday exactly the way that I want to that lets be rest and recharge.

Birthdays should be celebrated the best way for us, not for those around us who like to throw parties, but what is the best day possible for the birthday boy or girl!

Drudgery

The thought of writing for this little corner of the internet has felt like drudgery lately. And it’s not the blog, the topic, or the space. It’s totally me. I’m feeling burnt out on life at the moment, and the thought of finding both time and energy to spend it typing out anything coherent just seems like a lot of work. This reminds me of this saying:

You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day. Unless you’re too busy, then you should sit for an hour. – Author Unknown to me (couldn’t find a reliable source on the interweb)

This feeling of being overwhelmed definitely means that I need to spend more time writing and getting all the stuff in by brain out of it and onto paper/screen. But it all just feels a bit too much right now. Hopefully the come days give both more coherence 😉 and more ability to get out what is in my head.

Follow your passion

I’m a bit tired of all of those people who say ‘follow your passion’. This phrase makes me wonder if passion is something that we are constantly following behind but never catch up to. It is always in the lead and we are always following it. Some phrases are just weird.

Follow your passion, to me this is the worst advice ever. Following your passion gets you literally no where. You need an income from something, and likely whatever you are passionate about is not something that others will pay for. So follow your passion as a hobby. Again I don’t think this is a magical thing, following your passion.

I think that people should find jobs that give them a sense of purpose and provide enough income to cover their costs. And have different hobbies and activities that you enjoy that can ebb and flow. You might be into crocheting for a while, but then you find you want to spend that time playing dodgeball.

Passion is something that should be left for a special someone in your life 😉

Life Feels Hard

This past month has felt hard. Not just in my life hard, as in too much to do and too much going on. But life in the world seems hard.

Most the of the Caribbean is devastated. And, I really mean devastated, no housing or food or water. These are some super tough times going on. Politics seems hard, there is so much negativity and hatred. And just general hatred in the world right now. This group hates that group and yet, we are people trying to do the best for our family and friends. Can’t we all just get along? Can’t we see the bigger picture that we are all human and we all deserve decent treatment from everyone?

Perhaps this is part of aging, perhaps not. Life just feels hard, there are so many broken people and systems that there isn’t anywhere to look and say that needs to be fix and going and fixing it. It all needs to be fixed, and no way to know where to start.

I’m not sure what my point is, but am I the only one who feels that life seems awfully hard right now?

Leaves

The weather here is really starting to change. We haven’t had the great big weather swing yet, but it is coming! The trees are mostly yellow now and many of them are losing there leaves in bunches.

A couple days ago I was walking home later in the evening and spotted what looked liked someone’s spilled french fries on the sidewalk. As I got closer I realized that they were leaves from the nearby trees with shadows from the street lights!